


Killing Me

by Arikos



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Attempted Sexual Assault, Bullying, Confusion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Abuse, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Character Death, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 07:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16300412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arikos/pseuds/Arikos
Summary: “Be safe Donghyuck! Have a good day at school!” I remember my mom’s last words before I left the house, adjusting the backpack on my back. I remember hopping down the steps, I remember checking out my appearance in the car window that sat in our driveway. I remember my pale skin, my black hair, my strong features and relatively chunky body. I remember walking down the street. I remember looking both ways before starting to cross the street. I remember my friend Jeno walking right beside me. I remember his face contorting into fear as he tried to reach for me to yank me back. I remember seeing the headlights of a car coming right for me, and a car’s horn going off before my world went black.





	1. Chapter 1

_         “Be safe Donghyuck! Have a good day at school!” I remember my mom’s last words before I left the house, adjusting the backpack on my back. I remember hopping down the steps, I remember checking out my appearance in the car window that sat in our driveway. I remember my pale skin, my black hair, my strong features and relatively chunky body. I remember walking down the street. I remember looking both ways before starting to cross the street. I remember my friend Jeno walking right beside me. I remember his face contorting into fear as he tried to reach for me to yank me back. I remember seeing the headlights of a car coming right for me, and a car’s horn going off before my world went black.  _

        I’m breathing, aren’t I? I’m not dead. I sat up, taking in my surroundings. I was in the hospital. I took comfort in that. I survived that. I took deeps breaths of refreshing cold air, and reached up to- wait a second. This was not my hand. I wasn’t this tanned, was I? I looked down at my arms. My pale skin wasn’t there anymore, I was a smooth golden complexion, no blemish in sight. I felt around myself. I’m not me. I felt my face, I felt my chest, I felt my legs, arms, hips, thighs, everything! Nothing was the same! What’s happening? Is this a bad dream? Suddenly, the door to my room opened and a doctor stepped in followed by someone I’ve  _ never  _ seen before. He’s tall, I noticed right away. With beautiful tanned skin that reminded me of...my own. His shiny black bangs were parted but a mess, as if he kept running his fingers through them. The moment his eyes landed on me, he was racing over, snatching me up in a crushing hug. I expected to hurt somewhere because, you know, I was hit by a car. But I felt nothing, I felt fine. I tried my best to hug them back, despite being extremely uncomfortable with this stranger hugging me so tightly. 

        “Donghyuck,” he said, his voice shaky and cracking. He was crying. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” I’m glad I’m okay too, but...what’s going on? He pulled away, holding me by the shoulders as he stared at me. 

        “Why do you look like that? Your brother can’t be worried for you?”  _ brother? I don’t have a brother. _ He must have sensed my confusion. He straightened up and turned to the doctor with a look. The doctor sighed, pushing his glasses further up his nose. 

        “We were suspecting something like this. Memory loss. Traumatic memory loss, it’s very common in victims like this. Whether or not this is permanent, we don’t know. But I highly suggest you work with him.” he explained with a soft voice, glancing at me with sad eyes. Memory loss? My memory is very much here, I’ve forgotten nothing. I was hit by a car, I know that. So what was this “victim” talk about? That was the extent of their exchange, the doctor left to give us some space and time to talk. That guy pulled up a chair with a sigh, reaching out and grabbing my hand. 

        “Donghyuck,” he spoke, he knows my name? “If you really don’t remember me, I’m your brother. Jongin, Kim Jongin. Your name is Kim Donghyuck,” Kim Donghyuck...the name of whoever I am now. I was no longer Lee Donghyuck, was I? 

        “You’re confused, obviously, but we’ll work on that okay? Let’s see, your name is Kim Donghyuck, you are my baby brother. You live with me and my boyfriend Taemin a few ways from here. I’ll leave it at that for now, let’s get you out of here.” after he finished speaking, he was out of the room, probably to sign me out. I used my alone time to gather my thoughts. Kim Donghyuck, Kim Jongin, Taemin. That was easy enough to remember, right? 

* * *

 

       “Here we are, home sweet home~” jesus, I live in such a huge home. Bigger than any house I’ve ever lived in.

        “Your room is upstairs, first door to the left. Uhm, you can get settled in there while I make a few calls to mom and dad, they’re worried sick about you.” he told me. I started my ascension up the stairs and into my room where I was taken aback by how big it was. I would have mistaken it for a hotel room if it wasn’t for the numerous of posters and everyday clutter decorating the room. I strolled around, taking in my new surroundings. On a desk, I saw a few papers with stuff written on them. Looked like math. Jesus, is this kid smart? I opened a few drawers and came across a tiny black box. I took it out and opened it, wincing at the discovery. Razors, about five of them, covered in dried blood. I shoved the box back in the drawer. That was..a bit sad. I could never imagine hurting myself on purpose. What kind of life does Kim Donghyuck have? 

        “Donghyuck~” a voice sang before my door slid open, a new face sliding in the door. This must be Taemin. 

        “You’re home, kiddo. I’m so happy to see you’re okay,” he told me with a genuine smile. He stepped in, yanking me into a bone crushing hug that drained the wind out of me. What’s with these hugs? Was I just weak or were they incredibly strong? I squirmed. He let go. 

        “Kai, oh, Jongin told me about your memory loss…” his face suddenly became sad, it made me sad as I thought back to those razors I found, “I hope this isn’t permanent. We have so many great ones,” I didn’t know what to say to that, so I stayed quiet. The atmosphere became very dark suddenly. I didn’t like it like this.

        “I hate to ask you this, but, I have to bring up school. Do you feel..up to going tomorrow? I understand completely if you don’t want to.” he was stumbling on his words, something told me that this wasn’t really part of his character. I don’t know what told me that. To relieve him, I shrugged.

        “I’m okay, I can go tomorrow.” 

        “Good, I’ll be sure to email your teachers and tell them of your return.” he explained before he turned on his heel and left the room. I wanted to ask him: How long was I in the hospital? But I guess I’ll save my questions for another time.

        Getting ready for bed in a new body was harder than I thought. I was much thinner than my original body, which made me very...happy? I’ve always wanted to lose weight, but I wasn’t unhappy enough to go workout. I was shorter as well. It was surprisingly awkward to shower myself. I felt as if I was...intruding? On my own body? The more I thought about living my life as  _ Kim  _ Donghyuck, the more depressed I became. Am I even ready to part ways with my old body? What happened to my old body? What kind of ife will I be living? I had so many questions, it was giving me a headache, But what was I to do? There’s no way to go back now, right? 

_         No way. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wow, Donkey, you leave for three months and come back with a voice?”

_         Running, I was running. So damn fast, I could barely tell where I was going. My body felt so light as I glided down the corridor. It was such a peaceful feeling, but why did I feel so panicked? My heart was racing, it felt like it could leap out of my chest at any given moment. I hate this feeling, this feeling of being chased. I came to a stop, looking down the two halls in front of me. Right lead to darkness, left was lit all the way down. I went left. I could hear their feet behind me, closing in on me. Leering over me as if they already caught up.  Suddenly, I was falling. I gasped, flipping over to look at my pursuer. I didn’t recognize him, he must be someone Kim Donghyuck knew. He looked unimpressed, glaring holes into my face. What stood out the most about him was his pink hair, I've never seen that on a boy before. _

_         “For such a good body, you can’t run very fast.” he said, before he reached out to me, his fingers wrapping around my wrist. One second I was on the floor, and the next I was slammed against the wall. “I admit, you landed a pretty good punch. You really have changed. You’re out of control,” he switched his grip from my wrist to my throat, effectively pinning me. I couldn’t move, and I didn’t understand why. I fought so hard to get away, but it was like a force was keeping me here, right in my place. Was this a memory of Donghyuck's? Will I see this person in the future? Who are they? _

        “Have a good day at school Donghyuck, if you  _ ever  _ need anything, please call me.” I don’t know why I’ve been lacking the ability to speak. I’m such a talkative person. I’m so outgoing and even a fighter, why did I suddenly have nothing to say? Was it because I’m simply observing my new life? Thinking that made me feel so weird. Kim Donghyuck. My new name. Whoever this person was, he was smart, he lived in a big house with his own room, he was good at math...and yet he still inflicted pain on his own body. Wasn’t he happy with his life? I recall seeing a photo of him with three others, smiling. They were in soccer attire, with dirt all over their faces, but they looked so happy. Donghyuck wasn’t happy? 

        Upon entering the campus, I noticed right away this was not the same school I went to. Much bigger, and wealthier. The halls were silent as I walked through, just like any other school day. Except for the whispering I heard all around me.

_         He’s back? No way, I thought he would at least transfer… _

_         Kim Donghyuck? Is that him? I heard he lost his memory. Probably for the best… _

_         It’d be better if he just doesn’t remember all that happened?  _

        I wasn’t annoyed by the fact that they were whispering about me as if I wasn’t in the room, I was annoyed by the fact that they still claim my memory was lost, when it’s not. I remember very well about me...I don’t know this dude. Maybe that’s equivalent? My mind went back to what that doctor said.  _ Victim.  _ Victim of what, exactly? Does this kid have any friends? Maybe I could, I don’t know, ask? The whispers didn’t stop all the way up to the classroom. I was literally sitting in the chair about three desks from the group of girls talking about me and not once did they even think to approach me. It was getting on my nerves. Did they do this to Kim Donghyuck? 

        “If you’re really that curious about me,” I said, “wouldn’t it be better to approach me?” I was testing the waters of this guy’s life. I’m pretty sure he’s spoken up about it right? 

        “Oh look, he does have a voice!” one of them giggled, her friends joining her as they glanced at me. I clenched my fists. Okay, I’ll let it slide this once since she’s a girl. A pretty one at that. 

        "Wow, Donkey, you leave for three months and come back with a voice?” another one called from her circle of friends. I rolled my eyes. I decided not to say anything to her, for now. There was still so much I had to see about this kid. I’ll get her later. 

        It was the end of class when a sudden body approached me, sitting right on my desk. Instantly, my body stiffened against my will. That guy, from my dream last night. His smile was sweet, but I knew instantly he was dangerous. 

        “I didn’t believe when they said Kim Donghyuck was here, so I came to see for myself,” he explained. I said nothing. “Oh, and I guess you losing your memory wasn’t a lie, either.” he whistled, hopping off my desk. I stood up. I had to get out of here, my body was reacting to him in a way I didn’t understand. I was scared, and I don’t know why. He stopped me with his own body, chest pressed up against mine. 

        “With that reaction, something tells me you  _ do  _ know who I am.” he mused.

        I shoved him away, making him stumble, his eyes growing wide, “I don’t remember who you are, stay away from me.” I told him sternly. He let out a huff of air. 

        “You’re so bold now. Had it been three months ago, you would have been in tears..I don’t know if I like that or not,” that was the confirmation I needed. I need to avoid this guy at all costs. Whoever this guy is. I pushed past him and thankfully he didn’t stop me again. As soon as I left the room, I instantly felt more at ease. I have so many questions now. I moved onto my next class and it was the same damn thing. The whispers. Could they not say any of this to my face? 

        “Donkey~” ugh, such an annoying nickname, “it’s so good to see you!” this guy was a contrast from the dude I just ran from. He was smaller, in all aspects, pale and had a mass of dark hair. He looked friendly, but again, my body was reacting. He was dangerous, too. 

        “You don’t remember me? My name’s Renjun,” he said. Okay, Renjun. Got it. I turned away, looking for an empty desk to sit at. There was no way I was diving into that again. I noticed how his smile dropped instantly, and his eyes turned murderous. There it is, I knew it was there somewhere. I need to avoid him too. Lunch, was something interesting. The cafeteria was full, no tables available at this point. So, where the fuck was I going to eat? 

        “Donghyuck,” I turned at the call of my name to see another unfamiliar face. Alright now, who is this? I could instantly tell by his uniform colors that he was an underclassman. He scratched his neck awkwardly, “we usually eat outside,” he told me. I followed him outside. There weren’t any tables out here...so did “Donkey” usually eat outside on the ground? 

        “Thanks Chenle, you can go inside now.” that voice..I know that voice. Chenle was gone faster than my brain could register, and Renjun appeared with that guy trailing right behind him. He pouted. 

        “I didn’t even get to tell you my name, Donkey. You ran off before I could,”  _ shit.  _ I dropped my tray, not caring about the food. I need to leave...and beat up that kid for leading me into a trap like this. Renjun was fast. He grabbed my wrist and yanked me towards him, a smirk on his face. 

        “Such a shame you don’t remember all we’ve done for you,” he said, his face leaning closer to mine. My breathed hitched. That feeling of panic and fear wrecked me. Whoever these guys were, Donkey was terrified of them. Just what the hell did they do to him? 

        “Jaemin thought this would be a good time to remind you all the good times we had,” he told me. My back hit the brick wall of the building. I winced at the pain. Shit, shit, shit! Why was I being tossed to easily? Did this kid have any muscle definition. Jaemin closed in on me, his hands grabbing my waist and he pressed me against the wall. Then he kissed me on the cheek. Disgust was potent in my body. I’m not trained in fighting or anything, but I knew damn well how to defend myself when it came down to it. I grabbed Jaemin by his shoulders and shoved him away...not as far as I wanted but he got off me.

        “Again with the shoving, you must-” I cut him off with a jab to his jaw. His head snapped to the side..and my hand hurt like hell. I didn’t let that show though, and I didn’t plan on staying for his reaction. I dipped. I pushed over Renjun’s skinny ass on the way and he fell with a very loud ‘oof’. I was back in the building, but I didn’t stop there. I kept running. Running, I was running down the corridor...footsteps right behind me as Jaemin chased me. My dream! I skidded to a stop, two halls. Right was dark, left was light. I turned left last time, maybe I should go right. I turned right. This part of the building was noticeably dark. But, unlike in my dream, there were doors aligned side by side. I broke into the first one to my right and slammed it shut behind me. My ear were ringing so much, I was so out of breath and my legs felt like jello...but I got away. I was slumped against the wall behind me, bending over to catch my breath when a hand clasped over my mouth. My first instinct was to bite, thinking it was Jaemin that managed to find me, but it was someone else. Boy, he looked pissed off.

        He was taller than me, most likely a senior here judging by his uniform with strong features that matched his intense dark eyes and black hair. He held a phone up to his ear, still talking to whomever it was he was talking to. They finished their conversation, and he hung up before letting me go, his eyes boring into my own.

        “What the fuck are you doing here?”


End file.
